


Sing Me To Sleep

by commander_lexa



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Self Harm, Suicide Help Line AU, but not really, song fic too kinda, this is kinda really angsty and im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 18:33:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3620019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commander_lexa/pseuds/commander_lexa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soccer Cop AU in which Beth is a depressed teenager and Alison works answering calls at a Suicide Hotline. One night, on a whim, Beth phones, and grows attached to the soft-voiced girl on the other end of the line. When Alison sings for her, Beth feels just a little bit lighter. </p>
<p>Rated M for dark themes such as suicide, self harm, and abuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sing Me To Sleep

Beth shakes the bottle in her hand so the rattling of the pills matches the ringing of the phone pressed to her ear.

"Suicide Hotline. Are you alright?"

She blinks, listening to the soft voice as it crackles through the speaker. Beth quickly glances down to the number she has scrawled down on a piece of torn paper. She hadn't really expected anyone to answer, even though it seemed legitimate when she had looked it up. She doesn't even remember looking it up, come to think of it. Or maybe she just isn't thinking straight.

"Hello? Are you okay? Do you need me to call for help?"

The worry in the voice is what draws Beth's attention back to it. She furrows her brows, leaning her head so it connects with her bathroom cabinet with a dull thunk. The tiles are cold under her bares legs, but the air feels much cooler down on the floor, and anything that can help Beth breath easier is welcome. Breathing is pretty hard these days.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Beth swallows. "Hello." Her voice isn't above a whisper -in fear of waking her foster parents- and it's thick with tears she hardly remembers shedding. "I'm here."

The voice sighs, air making a noise on Beth's side of the phone that causes her to cringe. Her head hurts from crying and the liquor hidden under her bed isn't helping one bit.

"Are you alright?"

Beth laughs. It's bitter, a sharp. A bite more than a laugh. "Not really. You think I would be calling you if I was?" she questions, words dripping sarcasm.

The voice on the other end doesn't answer for a beat. "I suppose not," she says, almost curiously, then turns back to the business-like worry of before. "So, do you need help? Are you o-"

Beth cuts her off. "What's your name?"

This throws to voice off, for she pauses and stutters a bit before answering. "Alison. Um, it's Alison."

"Alison," Beth repeats. The name feels good on her tongue and sounds comfortably familiar. "I'm Beth."

"Okay, Beth," the voice -Alison- says, and her tone has a calming effect on Beth, who puts on a lazy smile. "Are you okay?"

Beth nods, and then, remembering that Alison can't see her, makes grunt of acknowledgement in the back of her throat. "Not hurt. Not tonight."

"What do you need, Beth?"

Alison's voice is kind, caring, and genuinely interested. It's something Beth hasn't experienced in her many years in foster care. She likes it. It's better then how her drunken foster mother looks at her and her absent foster father hits her -when he's actually at home, of course.

Beth's grip on her pill bottle loosens. She sets in down. "How old are you, Alison?"

She hesitates again, but answers anyways. "Nineteen."

Beth nods, humming slightly. "I'm almost eighteen," she says in response. She's counting down the days until she turns eighteen and is able to get out of this hell hole.

Alison can obviously here the longing in Beth's voice, because she asks "What will you do when you turn eighteen?"

"Get out of here," she says, not elaborating. "Go to the Police Academy."

"You want to be a cop?"

"No, I'm just going for fun," jokes Beth, suddenly feeling so much lighter. She stands, and places the pills back in the cabinet, slipping out of the bathroom and into the dark hall. She finds -to her surprise and delight- that she can breath quite easily. "Yes. I want to be a cop," she says when Alison doesn't respond.

"I think you'll be a good cop," Alison tells her.

"You're damn right, Allie," Beth smirks, closing the door of her bedroom behind her and walking in the dark to her bed. She pulls of her socks and jeans, crawling through the blankets with the phone still pressed to her ear.

Alison chuckles, and Beth can almost feel the vibrations herself. "So, you're okay then, right Beth? You aren't going to hurt yourself."

"No." Not tonight.

"Good," says Alison.

It sounds so much like a goodbye that Beth panics, because she hasn't felt this good in weeks and she can't have it leave so soon. "Can you sing, Allie?"

Alison it taken aback again, and Beth finds herself wondering what she looks like flustered. "Yes, um, I suppose so, I mean-"

"Sing for me," Beth says, laying down in her bed and setting the phone on the pillow next to her.

There is a pause, the silence suffocating around her, and then the soft melody from the phone.

_Step one, you say, "We need to talk."_   
_He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."_   
_He smiles politely back at you_   
_You stare politely right on through_

_Some sort of window to your right_   
_As he goes left and you stay right_   
_Between the lines of fear and blame_   
_You begin to wonder why you came_

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_   
_Somewhere along in the bitterness..._

Beth eyes flutter shut. It's the best sleep she's had in ages.

 

* * *

 

"Hello? Suicide Hotline, a-"

"Alison?"

There is a long breath of air released from the other end of the phone. "Beth."

This makes Beth smile. "You remember."

"Of course I do," says Alison like it's not important, yet in fact means everything to Beth, who has always been left behind. "How could I forget the girl I spent three hours on the phone with."

"But you recognized just my voice?" asks Beth with furrowed brows.

"Yes," replies Alison. "And the fact that you knew my name."

Beth nods, not speaking. Alison breaks the silence. "So, do you need anything?"

Beth suddenly feels extremely nervous and guilty. She's hogging the line, preventing those who really need it from getting help. Then again, she does need help. That overwhelming sadness has begun to creep into her life again, and even the pills aren't numbing the pain like she wants She doesn't speak for a moment, but then forces herself to do so because she doesn't want to frighten Allie.

"I just, I just wanted to...talk."

"Oh," the other girl breaths, and there must be a level of pain in her voice because Alison turns sympathetic. "Of course. Let's talk. What would you like to talk about?"

"Anything," replies Beth with a small sigh. "Everything."

"Alright."

"So," Beth begins. "Tell me about yourself."

So Alison does. She's quite talkative, actually, and maybe doesn't have many people who will listen to her because she seems eager to speak. Beth learns that, like herself, Alison was and orphan, but in contrast was adopted by a nice family at a fairly young age. Alison is single, -there was a boy named Donnie once, but he was an idiot and it didn't work out, which makes Beth happy for some strange reason- and her favorite colour in pink. She is also in school for psychology, and has a pet cat named Oscar. Beth learns that Alison has brown hair and brown eyes -"Just like me, though I'm sure you're much prettier"- and used to do musicals when she was younger.

In turn, Alison is told about the time Beth ran away and hid in an abandoned treehouse in the park for two days. She tells her -somewhat reluctantly- that her full name is Elizabeth, and that she sucked her thumb until she was eight. She learns that Beth loves to run, has nearly perfect aim, and loves pickles. Beth also mentions -with a slight blush that she is thankful Alison can't see- that she is single as well -because her last boyfriend, Paul, was a jerk and she just couldn't deal with is anymore.

It's almost two hours later when Beth asks Alison to sing for her, and she does so with hardly any hesitation this time.

_On my own, pretending he's beside me_   
_All alone, I walk with him till morning_   
_In the darkness the trees are full of starlight_   
_And all I see is him and me forever, and forever_

_I love him, but only on my own_

Beth feels alone too, as she crawls into bed that night, but she also realizes that she has never felt less alone then she does when she's with Alison.

 

* * *

 

"I should just give you my personal phone number."

"Yes. You should."

Alison seems to be waiting for the punchline of the joke, but Beth is completely serious. There is a pregnant pause, and for a moment Beth fears that she has done something wrong before Alison rattles off a set of numbers almost faster than Beth can scribble them down.

"There. Now I can call you whenever I want," says Beth triumphantly, staring of the phone number written on her palm.

"You already do," responds Alison matter-of-factly

Beth opens her mouth to make a sarcastic remark in return, but then closes it when she realizes that the other girl is correct. Beth has called the Hotine in hopes of getting Alison at least twenty times in the past month alone, and probably every day this week.

Beth sighs. "You're right. I do."

She must sound sad, because Alison responds immediately. "It's okay though," she says, and Beth can feel a weight lift off her chest. "It's more than okay, actually, I really love talking to you."

Beth blushes. "I love talking to you too, Allie."

Beth can practically feel Alison's smile. "I'm glad," she says. "So now you'll always be able to reach me."

"Great," Beth announces. "I'll call you later then."

"Alright. Bye Beth."

"Wait," Beth calls before the other girl can hang up. "Will you...sing for me?" she asks, for it has become some sort of a routine for them.

"Of course," Alison responses immediately, and then begins to sing softly.

_For you, there'll be no more crying_   
_For you, the sun will be shining_   
_And I feel that when I'm with you_   
_It's alright, I know it's right_

_And the songbirds are singing_   
_Like they know the score_   
_And I love you, I love you, I love you_   
_Like never before_

_And I wish you all the love in the world_   
_But most of all, I wish it from myself_

Beth's heart beats loudly in her chest and Alison continues to sing. The song in beautiful, and she just can't help but feel that there's something more.

 

* * *

 

"Beth?" Alison's voice is thick with sleep and muffled by what Beth can only imagine is a pillow

"Alison."

"What are you doing?" she asks. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes," Beth answers in a whisper. I just wanted to hear your voice I wanted to talk."

"It's three in the morning," Alison reminds, as if Beth has forgotten.

"I know," she replies simply.

"It's three in the morning," Alison repeats. "Normal people are asleep at three in the morning."

"You aren't asleep," Beth points out.

Alison scoffs. "Because you woke me up," she acuses, voice raising.

"Sorry," apologizes Beth softly. "I just couldn't sleep."

"Beth..."

"I'm sorry," she repeats hastily. "I'm tired and I wasn't thinking straight. I just couldn't sleep and I thought that if I talked to you maybe it would help and now I've woken you up and I'm sorry," she rambles.

"Whoa, Beth, it's fine," Alison assures, suddenly more awake. Beth can hear the comforting smile in her voice. "That's what friends are for, right? To help."

"Friends?" Beth questions. She's not sure how she feels about that.

"Yes," Alison says. "You can call me any time."

"Alright."

"Lay down," Alison commands, and Beth does so. "I'll sing you a song."

_Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine_   
_You taste so bitter, and so sweet_   
_Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling_   
_And I would still be on my feet, oh I'd still be on my feet_

_Oh, I am a lonely painter_   
_I live in a box of paints._   
_I'm frightened by the devil_   
_And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid._

_Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine_   
_You taste so bitter and so sweet..._

Beth knows what Alison in saying. She knows that they aren't just friends. She feels the weight of the lyrics lighten her chest. Alison loves her. And it's crazy, and stupid, and selfish, but Beth loves her too.

 

* * *

 

"What up, Allie?" Beth asks almost cheerfully, phone tucked between her ear and her shoulder, voice muffled by the liquid in her mouth.

"Not much," replies Alison, but there is rustling on her end of the phone so it sure sounds like she's doing something. "Are you brushing your teeth?"

Beth spits. "Yep."

"Wonderful," Alison remarks. "Oral hygiene is very important, you know."

"Yeah, yeah," Beth mummers, rinsing out her mouth.

There's a moment of silence as Beth finishes her task. "You know, we should meet in person," Alison suggests after a beat.

Beth freezes. She glances up at the bathroom mirror, frowning at her pale face and sunken cheeks. She still has a split lip from her run-in with her foster father, and then bags under her dark eyes refuse to go away. She can't let Alison see her, not like this. "Yeah," she says quietly. "Maybe some day."

"But not today?" questions The other girl.

"Allie..."

Alison cuts her off. "I know," she says sympathetically, nothing but caring in her voice. She knows about Beth's depression, and addictions -she meet her on a help line anyways- and even though she doesn't have experience she does understand. And that's enough. It's more than enough, actually. "It's okay."

But she sound really sad. "Alison, really, I'm sorry," Beth tells her. "Shit, Alison, don't cry."

"It's okay," she repeats, then her voice breaks. "What are we, Beth?"

Beth wants to cry to. "I don't know." There's a sniffle on the other end of the phone. "Please don't cry, Alison," she pleads, chest tightening. "Please."

Alison's breath hitches and she begins to sing, voice watery, but it's as beautiful as ever.

Two am and she calls me cause I'm still awake  
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season."

_Cause you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable_   
_And life's like an hourglass glued to the table_   
_We can find the rewind button, girl_   
_So cradle your head in your hands_

_And breath_   
_Just breath_

Beth breaths, just as Alison tells her. It's the only thing she can do right now, and it's the hardest thing she's ever done.

 

* * *

 

Beth plays slowly with the razor blade as the phone rings, moving it carefully between her fingers and watching it intently.

"Hello Beth," Alison greets happily, voice chirping through the receiver.

"Hey Allie."

Alison's voice looses it's cheerfulness at the sound of Beth's. "What's wrong?"

Beth sighs. "I'm just so tired, Allie."

"Tired of what?" questions Alison slowly, words calm and careful, though there is an underlying tone of worry that makes Beth's heart beat a little faster.

"Everything," Beth breaths.

"Beth, listen-"

"It wouldn't matter if I died," Beth says suddenly, cutting Alison off. "Nobody would care."

"Don't say that Beth," Alison pleads, and it sounds like she is crying. "Of course people would care."

"Who?" spits Beth bitterly. "I have no friends. My foster parents would actually be happy if they didn't have to deal with me. All I am is a meal ticket. I mean w-"

"I would care," Alison interrupts. "Oh Beth, I would care so much."

It's Beth's turn to cry. "You would?"

"Of course."

"Will you sing?" Beth asks in a broken whisper, the sadness bubbling in her stomach and making her sick.

"Of course," Alison repeats, just as softly.

_When the tears come streaming down your face_   
_When you lose something you cant replace_   
_When you love someone but it foes to waste_   
_Could it be worse?_

_Lights will guide you home_   
_And ignite your bones_   
_And I will try_   
_To fix you_

"Are you going to be okay, Beth?"

Beth wishes she could answer that. She draws thin red smiles on her wrists.

 

* * *

 

"Alison."

Even intoxicated and delirious, Beth can here the confusion in Alison's voice. "Beth? What's wrong?"

That almost makes her start crying again. Of course Alison can here the thickness in her voice. She sighs. "I'm done, Allie."

"What?"

"I'm done," Beth repeats before Alison can continue, wiping a tear from her bruised cheek. "There's no point anymore. This is it, Allie. I'm done."

Beth can hear how Alison is struggling to keep calm. "Beth, what's happening?"

"I'm sorry I didn't ever get to see you in person," Beth continues. "I bet you're real pretty."

"Don't talk like that Beth. Please," says Alison, and Beth can hear something clicking -computer, maybe- in the background.

"I'm sorry, Alison."

"Beth," Alison's voice is quick and full of panic now. "Beth, how many pills did you take?"

"I'm sorry," Beth says, even though she swears that she's already said it. Maybe Allie didn't hear.

"Beth? Beth?"

Beth chuckles, the empty pill bottle falls from her hand and to the floor by her feet. Alison's voice sounds so close and so far away at the same time. The world begins to spin. She stumbles as she moves to sit down on the edge of her bed. "Sing for me, Allie."

"Beth, please, you have to stop this. It'll be okay, alright?" There's a pause, and Alison's muffled voice, not meant for her. "Help!" Then she's back, panting and panicked. "Beth? Are you there?"

"I'm here, Allie," she responds. "I love you, Alison Hendrix," she says before the world gets too blurry. She has to get it out, Alison has to know. "I love you more than anything. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"No," Alison begs. "Beth, please. Stop this."

Beth begins to cry. "My head hurts." She sinks to the ground, the phone falls by her head with a thud.

"Beth!"

"Sing, Allie," Beth requests again as her stomach begins to clench. "One more time."

"Beth." Her name in a sob.

"Sing me to sleep, Allie," Beth whispers, a final plea.

Alison has begun to cry on the other end of the phone. Beth can hear her sobs through the receiver, and a sadness fills her, along with a numbness. "Beth. Please," she chokes out. "I love you too. Beth, you can't, I can't loose you," she cries, again and again. "I love you."

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a ff-friend, somewhere along in the bitterness," Beth slowly starts to sing, words slurred and voice thick. She sings for Alison, who is crying, because Allie always sung when Beth was sad herself. "Had, had I stayed up, with you...all night. Had, I-I known..."

Breathing becomes hard again. Beth's words choke off, her vision goes black. Alison screams her name as the melody stops, but Beth can't hear, her body stilling as sirens sing for her in the distance.

_How to save a life._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure where this came from but I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Songs:   
> How To Save a Life - The Fray  
> One My Own - Les Miserables   
> Songbird - Fleetwood Mac  
> Case of You - Joni Michell (though I personally like Gabrielle Aplin's version better)  
> Fix You - Coldplay


End file.
